Saturday, April 14, 2012

counting my blessings...

The past week has been a whirl wind of craziness and emotions for me. Everything seemed to be going perfect for my little family and it all seemed just right to all the outsiders, but for me the puzzle was just being forced to fit. Wyatt and Doug had been having a really hard time living together. I wasn't exactly excited how Doug was deciding to parent Wyatt either, he had just moved in and already wanted to take over all parenting, even telling me when it was ok or not ok to hug Wyatt or comfort him after he was in trouble. He has a daughter Natalie who is a good child and wants to please, so when you tell her no it means no. My niece Penelope was exactly that same way, she touched an electrical outlet once and my sister's voice got low and she said "No Penelope, don't touch" and she never touched another electrical outlet again. 

My point being is that Wyatt is a strong willed stubborn child, if you tell him no he looks at it as a challenge. Wyatt and Doug were just a puzzle with multiple missing pieces from the very beginning. Doug actually would argue with Wyatt, a 2yr old! Wyatt loved it. I admit I've lost my ability to discipline, or maybe I never had it to begin with, but I do know that there are certain things that just don't or do work with different children. Children are individual beings just as adults and we can all tolerate different things, Wyatt and Doug just could not tolerate each other and I could no longer tolerate watching my son being talked down to and discouraged. It was 3 weeks too long so i asked Doug to move out, not knowing how I was going to pay rent or buy groceries. The only thing I knew at that time was if I didn't get out now I might never get out and I was going to be bringing another child into this mess. I don't want my children to think of women as passive and needing to submit, especially their own mother. 

I had been thinking that things just weren't right ever sense Doug put that ring on my finger. 
Things were perfect, no things were fine and then once he committed he turned into a controlling, stubborn, mean person lacking any morals and any christian warmth. I had known this person once before a long time ago but thought he had changed. Well... he had not. He is an alcoholic that is in denial and will probably never acquire any sobriety because he does not want to change, he will not become nice over night because he doesn't see himself as mean and he will not stop being controlling because he thinks his way is the only right way. Moral of the story is that Zebras never change their stripes and I am slow to learn this. 
I would like to invite you to take a journey with me through humility, single parenting, learning to support my self and my child(ren), living month to month, being pregnant and single with a wild 2 yr old boy. This is a huge change in my life that consists of a million little changes. I am embarrassed and motivated, I'm sad and extremely excited about everything life has to offer me, I'm feeling a little bit of everything. I have to count my blessing because through all of this chaos there are still blessings to be counted. I am taking this opportunity to find my self or reinvent myself, what ever comes first. 
My first item on my check list will be over coming this feeling of embarrassment of being a single mother to two children. Who am I to give a fuck what other people think of me and who are you to judge me? This is my life and my job right now is to keep my self mentally and physically healthy as well as my incredibly intelligent and insanely strong willed 2yr old son and unborn child as I figure life out.
this guy right here deserves me to figure life out ASAP!

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