wyatt william

i can't believe this time 4 years ago i was anxiously waiting for my little wyatt to come into the world.

it was today 4 years ago, that my doctor told me to meet him at the hospital the next day at 7am
i was being induced. 

i remember feeling excited and scared all at once. 

it was really happening. this was it. 

i showed up to the hospital at 7am like i was told. i forgot the baby bag and my hospital bag.
in fact i had never even packed anything,
i had been running around the house doing absolutely nothing. 

i was  out of my head with excitement, fear, nerves, amazement.
this was it.

the nurses told me that i wasn't in labor and that i would be sent home because the rooms were full. 

i had so much going on in my head.

my doctor came into the room at about 830 am and broke my water in a hurry, he told the nurses that it was coincidental, i had just happened to go into labor--yes he lied and the nurses knew it. 

they made a joke about how this happened to all of his patients. 

he was so sneaky. 

they started pitocin at about 930am 

wyatt was born at 245pm weighing 8lbs 11ounces and 21 inches long

he had red fuz on his head and was all smooshed
he was all mine and i was in love.

wyatt is sweet and loving, he loves to cuddle.

he's artistic and observant, he soaks up all of his surroundings and is constantly learning

his dreams are big

he's silly and rambunctious , he's hilarious

he's a rascal

wyatt is THE BEST big brother. ever.

he's adventurous and imaginative. he is brilliant.

he loves adventures, being outdoors, exploring every detail and searching every crack.

he loves life.

he is funny, whitty, loving and sarcastic. he remembers everything.

one of wyatt's long hikes, when it was just the 2 of us

always exploring

never intimidated, always brave.

handsome.

wyatt is one of a kind, he's unique and feisty, spontaneous and a true comedian. he was born with a large amount of confidence and kindness.

happy birthday wyatt.

i'm so proud of you for always being so kind to your baby brother

for being  so smart and loving. you are amazing.

love, mom

sometimes i get overwhelmed with how much i love these boys.

i really never knew anything remotely close to it until i had them.

to know that 

without a doubt 

you would 

take a bullet for someone...

that's insane.

these boys are so special and make me want to be a better everything. 

they give me hope and make me realize this world has good in it

it has love to give and family to smile with.

friends to make and memories to be made.

it has adventures to take, treasures to find, 

bridges to burn and streams to cross.

it has rules to be broken and boundaries to bend.

it has endless possibilities and abundant opportunities

it's like one big piniata

waiting to be broken open. 

 

we had a surprise birthday celebration for oliver.

he knew he was coming over for a sleep over and a top secret ditch day 

but he had no idea he was getting a cake and goodies too. 

we had such a fun night.

we woke up reasonably early and went south for some fun in the sun. 

we spent a good amount of our day at the beach and it was wonderful.

oliver is such a cool kid.

i can't believe he is 6 now, absolutely insane how time flies.

oliver is one of a kind.

he is awesome and he doesn't even try, he just is.

he's brilliant and gorgeous, 

sweet and salty, 

he's athletic and artsy

and totally rad. 

happy birthday oliver, i love you so much and i think

that you are the coolest 6 year old i know.

you're such a bad ass.

keep on rockin'.

love, m

i am surprisingly not shocked one bit.

in fact i would be lying if i said that i was even a little shocked.
disgusted? yes.
relieved? tremendously.
plagued with criticism? i'll admit it.
embarrassed? to the point of no return .

doug is engaged and having another baby.
there it is.

he sure didn't waist any time, he'll have 3 children by august.
of course i am humiliated for him.
he came over yesterday to talk.
he hasn't been making his visits with owen and yesterday he threatened to take me to court for more time. i was able to stay calm and rationalize with an irrational person, i give my self mad props because i think i finally got through to him. i told him that he has a full plate that is about to be over flowing, make the visits with owen that we've agreed on and we'll talk about more time later. i told him to drop his drama and he agreed. we decided to move forward and work towards friendship.
owen cries and cries when doug is here. i feel bad for owen because he doesn't know who doug is, and i have never tried to keep doug from owen, my door has always been open, he just rarely walks through it. i don't feel bad for doug, he made his bed and now he can lay in it, probably not too comfortably but that isn't my problem.
my sister in law said that he is serial impregnator... oh my god i love it. that is exactly what he is!
it's humiliating. i feel sorry for the girl because she can't know how awful doug is yet.
i told him that i wish him the best, and i do.
i really honestly do, it's not the child's fault and hopefully that child won't cry hysterically when doug picks him up.
i can't feel terribly disappointed in him, he has serious mother issues and can fall in love with any girl at the drop of a dime. this was bound to happen sooner than later.

why hello there 2013! you're lookin' mighty fine...

i am so happy to welcome 2013.
i think know that this is going to be a great year.
we went to china town in la with my mom, brother, sister in-law and all the big-littles and little ones. we had dim-sum and walked around china town for awhile, made wishes in the fountain and the kids rode on little rides.
it was such a fun way to bring in a new year, a tradition i'd like to start from now on.

i love my boys.
i am so incredibly lucky.

a lot has been going on, hence the lack of posts.
my grandma had her eye removed and is recovering just perfectly. can you believe that eye removal surgery is outpatient!? crazy right? my grandma has been so brave, i really can't imagine.
the boys and i took her on a ride yesterday and out for a quick shopping sesh at target, she did great and was so happy to be out of the house!

i know that it has only been 9 days, but this year is going great so far!
in previous posts i have talked about how negative and down i have been, which isn't the "normal" me but i've  thought it's been pretty normal considering all of the outside factors and everything i have been going through. i have been trying so hard to stay positive and it has just felt like everything from my emotions to daily chores just slips through my hands. i haven't been totally present for wyatt, i've been lagging in almost every area of my life and easy daily tasks have been difficult to accomplish, so i made the decision to talk to my doctor.
 i've been struggling lately and i asked for help and it feels amazing.

turns out ppd totally snuck up on me. it didn't feel like depression, it felt more like everyone was stupid and annoying and out to get me! i felt like my life was unmanageable and pointless.
i feel great now, night and day difference because of the medication. my doctor was great about finding something that worked for me, although there weren't many options because i am nursing and didn't want to supplement or stop.
i had such shame attached to the ppd and i think that's why i didn't see my doctor sooner.
i wanted to say something because i don't think there is anything wrong with it, there shouldn't be any shame associated with it. if we have a headache we normally fix it by taking tylenol or if a light bulb burns out in our house we replace it with another light bulb. i just replaced my light bulb, that's all. 

i have noticed a huge difference in wyatt. i am sure a lot of it has to do with my change, i feel back to normal and i know he picks up on my every mood. he has been perfect lately.
he has been getting less sugar and more praise!
wy and i decided in 2013 we were going to be good and practice kindness, so far so good!
i really am excited, i feel like i just got out of a thick fog. i'm excited to get back to life :)
my new years resolution is to be present, to show up for life. here we go!

wedding bells.

thank god wedding bells are not ringing today.
today was supposed to be the day i married doug, and all i can think about is how thankful i am that that is not happening.

don't hear me wrong, marriage, the ring, the happily ever after all sounds amazing, i'm just happy i am not marrying doug. he is the only part of that equation that just didn't work.

i had my colors all picked out, i had bought all the wedding magazines and wedding planners you could think of, i had pinned everything i dreamed about for years onto a little pin board designated just for this special day, and my sister and i had sketched what the center pieces on the table would look like.

December 21, 2012 at 7:30... tonight. wow.
the entire time i was planning my wedding i had this rock in the pit of my stomach, maybe fear, this little voice in my head that was screaming "stop!" and i kept ignoring it.

it wasn't until it was apparent that doug was a lying alcoholic and a terrible womanizer that i finally heard the voice, though this time the voice was coming out of my own mouth and it was directed right at doug. for everything, for his lying and for his arrogance, for his inability to feel sorry or remorse, for his anger and unkindness to wyatt, for going back to another woman who he had already been through this same exact situation with, for his cheating. he's all around a crappy human being and you know what?
it's not my problem!
 i can totally let it all go because it no longer is my problem to deal with.

thank god there are no wedding bells for me today.
i am truly a lucky girl.

this is all i need right now.
i am thankful that today is here and everyone in my life is happy and healthy.

let the baking begin!!!

today.

I'll elaborate on this more later, but today is just as good of a day, and definitely better than tomorrow or the next day, for some change. Today is a start.
There is so much going on in this world and it puts into perspective how truly small and minimal my problems are, although to me my problems are still valid and needing to be dealt with, they are small.  Everything in my life is fixable. I have healthy, happy children who woke up in their beds this morning, I have money in my bank to Christmas shop for the people I love, food in our refrigerator, and a car to get me from point a to b. I have family and friends who I love and who love me.
I have an abundance of love in my life and if I am able to open my eyes and except that things aren't just ok, they are special and amazing, wonderful and exciting, then things will turn around.
So, Today is the day. Today I will stop wishing things were different, except the things that I can not change and change the things that I have control over.

I need to send out my Christmas cards, can you believe that I haven't? This Christmas snuck up on me, and to think before we know it will be an entirely new year. I'm excited for the new year, it feels like 2012 was way too long and mentally draining.

wyatt.

i wish there was a safe way to sleep in the bath tub and for the bath to stay hot all night long.
so relaxed right now. i probably should have gone to sleep an hour ago.

i've been concerned about wyatt's behavior for some time now, and if you follow then you know how we've struggled with this. i have started and stopped diets, behavior charts, read books, tried new techniques and the list goes on. i will admit i get frustrated with no results and will often give up before anything can be achieved, so, i admit i am bad at this.

lately i have thought that it must be me, my parenting is making wyatt behave like this.
i spoil him too much, i give him too many treats, i don't spend enough one on one time with him, it's being a new big brother, i don't give him enough time outs, maybe i give him too many times out?
i am always questioning me. lately i've been at my breaking point.
on some level i feel like this horrible behavior is taking my son away from me. i can feel my self so frightened and intimidated by this that i almost on some level give up. i feel like throwing my hands up in the air and not dealing with it, which would be so unfair to wyatt.

i can see him struggling with this.
he doesn't want to be naughty. he's a good boy who is proud of him self when he does the right thing, when he makes people happy and he loves life so much and has this amazing creative and caring personality, of course it shines when his tantrums aren't in motion and he isn't screaming at me that he doesn't like me or wants to rip lion apart.
it makes me sad to see him struggle.

i was up until about 1am last night looking at emotional problems in young children.
it seems to me the he has a disruptive disorder, specifically ADHD. he has tantrums that on average last for about 20 minutes and a lot of the times go for 45-60 minutes. he has trouble calming himself down on his own, and he can be physically aggressive as well as verbally aggressive. i can tell he loses control, he physically can't control himself or calm himself down or even let me calm him down. it's heart breaking really.

i called his doctor today and he told me to call my insurance and make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an evaluation. i've read that if you catch it early on that you can often times avoid the route of medication. i just want wyatt to be happy, i don't want to see him struggle.
i hope it's all just spoiled, 3 yr old boy behavior, but we'll find out.
i have a feeling that this is going to be a journey that i will be on for quite awhile and i am choosing to share it in hopes to help another parent or to even connect with someone.

being a single parent is hard, it's me and my boys.
i am thankful that i have my sister and kellie who are helping me with this and being super supportive. i just want wyatt to be happy, i want to be able to enjoy this time in our lives without the struggles. but that's wishful thinking.
i chose to think that my higher power would only put these challenges in our lives to over come and create new paths, to bring us together and make us stronger.

weekend rain.

this weekend was fun.
it rained the entire time we were at my brother's.
we were going to go apple picking on saturday but on the way there it started pouring rain, so we went to chucky cheese's instead. it was fun. i gave my nieces esme` and zadie hair cuts and we stayed up watching a movie and eating ice cream. much needed girl time.
sunday morning my nephew ezra woke up sick with the flu. poor baby.
i took the girls to the store to get nail polish and a rainy day craft, when we got to the craft isle wyatt started one of his epic tantrums. i could see it coming from miles away, i thought i had time to get in and out of the store but i was super wrong. wyatt was laying down in the middle of isle 6 beginning his 40 minute tantrum. on the way out of the store he was grabbing things off of shelves, screaming and yelling like never before.
of course i was being looked at like the worst parent in the world, because of course other people's children don't throw tantrums.
right?
it was awful. i was sweating with embarrassment.

on the way home wyatt unbuckled his seatbelt, he threw things at me, and yelled at me that he wanted to go home, and then he screamed some more.
when we got back to my brother's house he layed down in the middle of their front lawn on their quite little coldasack and yelled and screamed and-wait for it- started to undress him self.
yes. he did that.
I died a little bit from the embarrassment.
we went inside and my brother helped calm him down.
he yelled that he didn't want to go home.
i am coming to the realization that all 3 year olds might possibly be bipolar. just a thought.
anyways we got in the car and drove straight to starbucks and then drove home.

that morning i got the flu in the worst way. it was awful.
i am feeling better now thank god.

instagram.

here in orange our town is all decorated for the holiday.
it's a charming little town, it really is.
sometimes i wish i was just a visitor though.

my list of to do's this week:
apply for jobs
make christmas gifts and shop a bit
make christmas cards (yes i am lagging big time, i know)
get wyatt signed up for preschool *tear
and blah blah blah 

26 years young-old.

I had a birthday on Thursday. It was nice, just another day.
I went out for lunch with my grandma and to do some shopping, she tried to make it special for me even though she has so much going on with the return of the cancer in her eye.
We had a nice time, it was so quiet too! We brought Owen with us and Wy went to Papa's house.
I bought a pair of Tom's (my first) and some clothes from Nordstrom. Lacy and the kids and I met my mom at Native Foods for dinner...mmm. For some reason it wasn't the best bday but it wasn't bad. Doug had come over the evening before to see Owie and I let him have way to much control over my mood. I really couldn't shake him off, he is so unlikeable. I would regret my decision to be with him so much more if I hadn't gotten sweet Owen out of it. Whatever, I'm sure the universe, or God, whomever it is has some plan and I need to let go. I have control over me and my actions and thoughts, my life and that's really it. Heck I don't even have control over my 3 year old!

do more.

Ok.
I can do that.  Right?
What can I do that makes me happy though?
mmmh....

positive thinking
painting
playing with Wy
surfing
hiking
cleaning
yoga
being with family
crafting
snuggling
being a good mother/sister/daughter/friend
being productive
journaling

Does drinking coffee count?  
ooh but then again drinking more coffee might not make me any happier! Haha.
What makes you happy?
Make a list with me and together we will do more to be happy! 

  
 

pumpkins, mustaches and a letter for Wyatt.

 I saw a pumpkin idea on Pinterest that I decided to give a try and it turned out awesome and was so much fun, dangerous yes, but fun!

Mr. Pumpkin heads!

These boys kill me, they're so cute.

Owen's first Halloween

A letter to Wyatt.

Dear Wyatt,
I love you so much. You are an incredible, smart, loving, adventurous soul. You teach me so many wonderful lessons in life and always keep me on my toes. Although you'll grow up and tower over me someday i want you to know that you'll be my baby always-my outgoing, silly, determined, stubborn, freckly little baby. I love you.

 love, mom

...............................................

Lately I feel like I haven't been the best mom.
I've been stressed and in my head. I need to spend more one on one time with my little Wy. We are always going going going, and I think it's time to slow down and come up with a schedule, for both Wyatt's and my sanity. I always think of structure along the lines of restrictions and limits where in reality our lack of structure is putting limits on the things we do.
I'm looking forward to this, I really am.
I am such a scattered ADD air headed poo, that I feel like I need this, the schedule and the structure will help. I'll let you know how this goes. :)

thank you friday.

Thank you Friday for making Thursday go away.

I had coffee yesterday with my friend Caroline, it was so nice. She has twin little girls who are absolutely the cutest little darlings ever. Wyatt was of course on the edge of insanity, but he kept his cool and lasted the whole visit. Good job WY! Caroline was awesome, she was super encouraging and nice and had very supportive things to say-thank you Caro.

Doug was horrible, he only wants to argue and I realized yesterday that I don't have to answer my phone or discuss anything with him because he doesn't want a solution, he just wants chaos. He meets with his lawyer on Monday about child support and custody. I talked to mine and he said all there is to do is wait. I'm waiting. I just feel sick when I think of Owen leaving us. I am thankful this isn't something I need to worry about today or anytime very soon.

My grandma found out that her melanoma is back in her eye, it's cancer. No one ever wants to hear that, it's sad, it's horrible, it's awful and I hate it
We are going to meet Oliver and my sister at Knotts in a little bit. We have Penny today, she played hookie from school!

Owen this week...

negative.

My sister told me today that I am negative. She didn't just randomly unveil her opinions on my emotional state, we were discussing another issue.
I think that I've been pretty open about everything I am going through. I have felt negative but I am also trying to change this, I definitely am working on this and I am more productive some days than others. I don't doubt that she thinks that I am negative but it didn't come from a place of concern or love, it was included in a short list of reasons of why it might make it hard to be around me.
I own it. I'm owning all of it. I have been negative lately, and positive and happy and sad, mad and motivated, all of it. I've been openly talking about being sad (mad, angry, disgusted, etc.) about the Doug situation, being a single mother, my situation, yeah... pretty much all of it. I know I need to move forward I get that. I do. I totally get that.
She says I need to start "working through" my issues instead of just moving on. I know I have displaced emotions right now, I'm finding solutions. I've been negative lately but this isn't what it was about.

I will continue to write about what happens to me and what I go through because when I write everything makes more sense to me in my own head. My experiences and my interactions with people are a part of me, I learn from all of it, heck, I might even consider some of this "working through" my problems. My articulations, thoughts, explanations, choice of delivery all happens to be public at this time in my life, I'm sure it won't be that way for ever.

I am sorry  if my negativity has offended anyone or made it hard to be around me.

sad.mad.moody.

Before I left for Lompoc things between my mom and I were rocky. We've both been on each others nerves lately.
It seems like everything I do my mom takes personal. Let me be the first to say that I am incredibly moody. I'm definitely having postpartum mood swings, and I own this. My mom knows this because it is something that I am open with her about. Sometimes she's totally understanding and sometimes I can tell she wants to cut my legs off and feed me to zombies. It's frustrating.
Being a single mom to two incredibly wonderful, handsome, healthy boys is stressful. It's amazing and beautiful but it's stressful! I am constantly worried that I am ruining Wyatt's life, I have less patience lately. Having patience is definitely some what of a foreign language to me; I struggle with it. I love my life and my littles and wouldn't change it, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Maybe it's time to consider other alternatives to help with my moods.
I made my nieces Esme and Winnie really cute B-day gifts but my mom FORGOT  to take them up with her to Lompoc. Bummer. I can't wait for them to get them!

My grandpa's 80th birthday

Owie

I need to fold laundry today.
Maybe I'll take the boys to Disney Land--on my own!

what a struggle.

This weekend has definitely been a a struggle.
Wyatt has been crazy, and I've been an awful mom in dealing with him.
I feel like I need a brain transplant, or a mini get away.

friday.

We went to Disney Land today with Ma.

It was crowded, we ate and then rode the train and went home.

Bummer.

Disney Land

Wyatt

Baby Owen and his double chin

I absolutely love this picture.
I love co-sleeping so much and I can't imagine not having my baby right next to me.
I used this same co-sleeper with Wyatt and then passed it onto my sister in-law for Eowyn and Ezra and now I have it for Owen. Wyatt used the co-sleeper until he started sitting up and being able to lift him self up on his own, he also slept in my bed with me and still does.
I gave up on sleeping a long time ago, I don't mind sharing my bed with my littles, I enjoy it.

-------------------------------------------------

So I've been thinking a lot about the future...
My future, Wyatt's future, Owen's future, our futures together.
I'm going to start a journal, a future journal.
I'll focus on what I want, where I see my self and the boys, my goals, you know all of the stuff that gets me where I want to be.
I really want to keep it all a secret but I'm not going.
I've been feeling really motivated by my discouragement if that makes any sense.
I feel like I always start things that I don't finish and people have finally started discounting my goals and future plans. I understand why, so I am not angry at all, more motivated to prove everyone wrong. I want to show my boys that it's important to reach your goals and there is always room for growth.
I'll share it all with you, promise.
Have a great weekend!