goodbye resentments...

I have been holding onto some resentment for awhile now and it's time to let it go.
It's all towards Doug. I cant' stand him.
I haven't mentioned much not because I'm hiding it, but more because each time I think about it I get angry all over again.
I didn't tell Doug when I went into labor or even when Owen was born, his mom told him after Owen was about a day old. He had stopped talking to me awhile back after I found out that he had cheated on me and was lying about the amount of alcohol he was consuming. He started dating someone and I didn't hear from him, which honestly was kind of nice. Like I've described Doug before, he is an angry person who is passive aggressive and seeks opportunities to be mean and hurt people. I was happy he was out of the picture for awhile. I felt like I could breathe again.
So when he found out Owen was born he asked to come to the hospital, I said yes of course (even though I wanted to say sorry we moved out of the country, talk to you never!). So he said he was on his way, 2hours and 45minutes later he showed up reeking of alcohol. Seriously? Nice.
The next time he visited Owen at our home and stayed for only 30minutes, brought some books for Wy and then tried to leave with the things he brought Wyatt! I told him that he couldn't do that to a 3yr old and he needed to leave the books here. You could tell he was irritated with me.
The next time he had scheduled a visit with Owen he canceled and said he had to help a friend move.
Right, I'm sure.
He came the next day with his mom about 20minutes late and stayed for about 40minutes.
This last time he visited, him and his mom stayed for about an hour. He later told me through text messages that he swabbed Owen for a Paternity test.
What the heck!?
I would love to hear the story he is telling people, especially his new girlfriend. He was engaged to me and we had a wedding date set for December, but now he has to prove paternity?! What the F-ing heck. That my friends is ridiculous and hurtful, it makes me sick and it makes me dislike him even more. What a peace of dog poop. Isn't he going to feel like a big huge idiot when he knows for a fact that Owen is his and then what will his story be? Seriously like if I had other options I'd be chasing him down, like he has something amazing to offer Owen besides possibly an oil business inheritance? HAHAHA
Like my sister said it's only going to screw him over in the end. I'm just going to be as nice as possible, a real peach. :)
Ok I am letting it go, it's no longer a worry of mine.
Thank you for listening!

week 33

I am 33 weeks pregnant!

It's been the fastest pregnancy ever, especially considering that I found out when I was only 5 weeks pregnant. The doctor actually told me to be on alert for an ectopic pregnancy because they couldn't see anything on the ultra sound. So fast forward 28 weeks later and here I am. I have a belly the size of a beach ball, my back aches, I have an extra 50lbs keeping me company, and my feet are swollen but hey my skin looks good! No complaining!

I don't know if I went into too much detail over my moods lately but I was down for awhile. Actually a long while to be honest. 

I'm happy I have Wyatt and my nieces and nephew who really distracted me from this depression. I have felt bummed about how Doug has acted through this pregnancy, truly proving to me that zebras don't ever lose their stripes. In other words having a "sober" moment didn't really do him any good. It's so difficult to see other people go through these life changing experiences and get absolutely NOTHING out of them. 

Sobriety has really changed who I am. I'm not saying that I'm a saint, but I think I have gained a lot out of it and not because I'm "different" but because I was willing. Aside from the sobriety I think that I'm realizing that some people are just not nice people. 

Whether they want to be mean and moral-less or it is purely a case of nature vs nurture is another question. 

 VENTING AHEAD! (detour if you don't want to hear it!)

In Doug's case I believe strongly that it was and is nurture. 

His father is the same way. They've all been passed down this oil company from generation to generation, not having to work at all and I think with that company came pride, entitlement, and a horrible chauvinistic mentality. It comes down to the fact that Doug really does nothing wrong (or at least he'd like to think this is true), he's arrogant, he says mean things that you wouldn't say to people. You know, the type of things that are only said to really hit below the belt and cause pain. He acts this way and then is shocked when I don't want to see him. 

I told him the other day that friends aren't mean to each other, they support each other and encourage each other and love each other, I don't allow my friends to treat me like crap, therefor he is not my friend. I really don't think he sees things as others do, he is so blinded by his defensiveness and ego that there is no room for him to grow at all.

This has been a hard pregnancy just because the lack of friends. 

My friend Kathleen has been wonderful, which honestly has surprised me the most. She's a younger single, hard working, party girl and she has totally supported me and been there for me from the second I found out I was pregnant, engaged, planning a wedding, breaking up, moving back in with my mom and blah blah blah. She gets me out of the house and really doesn't allow me to give my self a pitty party but listens with open ears. I am thankful for her.

My sister has been going through yoga teacher training and that has taken a lot of her time, and honesty she doesn't ask me to hang out that often aside from the busy yoga schedule. I stopped asking her to do things  in hopes that she would realize I was the one always trying to get together and I don't think she got the message (I know it sounds juvenile), either that or she just really doesn't want to hang out with me.

I'm thankful for my mom and Gordie, I'd be so sad without them, and really bored!

Our past few days....

cuddle time with Pa

 Uncle Matt's work

 We went to the fair again with PaPa.

Face painting is serious business.

 big boy naps, potty trained... what else could I ask for?!

 water colors...

 

new sprinkler from Ma

let it out....

Made a Costco trip this morning with Wy and Papa Gordie... didn't get much but ate a lot of samples.

I had to go to Stanbridge today to return my books... what a fiasco!
Holy moly. 

I talked to someone over the phone last week who told me I could return them, even though I had registered them, she said "not a problem!". Today was a different story. 

First off I'm hormonal.... like seriously hormonal. I cry over commercials, they don't even have to be sappy to get my tears going just a tad bit sentimental and I'm a waterfall. 

Ok. Wyatt and I take my books back and when we get there they tell me I can't return them. 

Ummm hello?! Are you kidding me?

The lady who was helping had a thick accent  and I couldn't understand her at all. I'm guessing they put her in that position so people would get so frustrated they'd say forget it keep my money! I would possibly bet up to 15$ that she was hired to frustrate and discourage people. I swear after twenty minutes of "excuse me? one more time"  I wanted to GIVE UP, but I didn't. She was "that lady" that would just reply to the question with a smile. Seriously, I asked you a question can you give me an answer?

Anyways... it was awkward and frustrating  but eventually they took my books back. 

I cried. during the whole thing. 

I hate crying.  I wanted to be angry and show them that they made me mad but instead I just came across as a crier. Now they think I cry over everything, like I'm a big baby.

Oh well I won. And yes, because in this situation is was about winning. It was about proving that they were dishonest and wrong and I won. 

Wyatt is a ham... I'm sure you couldn't have guessed that on your own.

 summer survival guide; green straw, check. Hat, check.

 Franny with her dog... she's awfully cute when she's not so annoying.

Baby clothes from my sister-in-law. I got a lot of Wyatt's old clothes back, even the clothes that Wyatt had from Oliver's hand me downs... talk about sentimental. My throat hurt from holding in the tears.
Wyatt was a big baby, 8lbs 11ounces and his baby clothes looked so itsy bitsy, it's funny that even big babies look so little. Awwww little baby.

 If you knew me at all you'd find the humor in this. I am possibly one of the meanest drunks ever. I am rude and intolerable to be around. There are some girls who get drunk and walk like t-rexs, oh c'mon you know exactly what I'm talking about. Normally they are the girls in heels who are so far away from the ground that they hold their hands in this awkward position in hopes that it will balnce them. That's not me. Then there are the girls who think they look sexy and have smeard makeup and talk out of the side of their mouths, maybe me a little bit. Mostly I'm that girl that goes off someone for nothing, no reason except to make my self unlikeable and set my self up for an embarrassing morning. That's why I don't drink.

 Penny painting Wy's face.
Face paints 10$ at Walmart.

 wrapped them up in package wrapping, they loved it even though it was incredibly weird.

 My weird little man painting.

I can't believe tomorrow is the 4th of July. We don't have a lot planned. Definitely a BBQ with nana and papa Gordie, maybe fireworks at my sister's house. It should be mellow and relaxing.

happy 4th to all!!

what the H-E- double L?!

Last Friday I was in the emergency room for extremely horrible back pain.
I don't like to admit when i'm in pain, i know it's an unhealthy trait but I cringe at any sign of weakness.
Well... the pain got so bad that I finally admitted to it and my mom made me call my doctor.

Of course with my luck, my doctor had left on vacation and was out of the office early so I had to talk to the doctor on call who didn't know he was on call and he advised me to go to the emergency room.
They ran all of these test, sent me in for ultra sounds and after almost 4 hours they sent me home. Couldn't find any reason why I would be in so much pain and being pregnant they really couldn't give me anything anyways.

I followed up this week with my (substitute) doctor and she said I have sciatica and possibly a big baby who is killing my back. Bottom line she suggested that I take a medical leave of absence from school until after the baby is born. i called my school all day Saturday and Monday to ask what they suggest I do. They didn't call me back until Tuesday and told me that I should have withdrawn by Monday.

WTF?!

Are you kidding me? If you had been in my shoes you would see how incredibly intentional this all seemed. After two days of not backing down and proving that I had called 14x they finally let me withdrawal without any problems (and no money owed). Thank God.... seriously... thank God!

Back to the drawing board.

Sometimes I feel so stupid. I really have nothing to show for. Two illegitimate babies (who I adore with all my heart) no college degree, no relationship, living with mom again, and no plan. All embarrassing but totally true. I imagined a happy life with Doug and our children and things went in a different direction. I hope we can be friends, but friendships take time. Right?

What's the deal? I need to find my motivation. I was pretty excited about the LVN program but now I'm rethinking everything... do I really want to go into that much debt? I really need to figure life out... quickly rather than slowly. 

Wyatt and are baking an apple pie today... the house smells amazing. 

 

Martha Stewart .... beginner level 1

 

knotts berry farm with the girls....

  same day swim lessons and then Wahoo's with papa Gordie....

 

ok...

almost 29 weeks... I've gained about 30lbs. I'm 5'10 and 1/2 and I weighed about 155lbs when I found out that I was pregnant, which for me is a low weight. When I weigh 150 I look skinny. By  the time I found a new ob-gyn I weighed 165... so I just started counting from there! Technically I've gained more than 30lbs but let's just keep it simple... mmmkay? :) alright I'll tell but shhhhh! I weigh 189. WOWZERS.

 

I'm trying so hard not to complain but between heartburn, sciatica, back pains, swollen feet and leg cramps I feel like I am falling apart.  My pregnancy with Wy was easy, I wish I hadn't complained the whole time!

 

is summer over yet?